Leggings and Self-Confidence

I have a confession. I’m not as always as confident as I seem. The worst period was the last several years. I often heard comments like, “Gosh, I wish I could be as small as you,” “How do you have so much confidence? I wish I could have that,” “How do you stay so thin,” “You don’t look like you ever had a kid,” “How do you keep your skin so clear and smooth,” so on and so forth.

On the last question, that one is easy. I never wear makeup and I don’t scrub the crap out of my face. For the rest, I was waging an internal battle. Over the last several years, I had gained a little over 30 pounds. Either I carried it well, hid it well with my usual jeans & t-shirts, or people weren’t that observant because the comments still came. Yet, I knew the truth. I was inching closer and closer to being classified as overweight. After that, I knew, if I continued, it wouldn’t be long before obesity set in. Yet, I was in a spiral that I felt I couldn’t get out of. No one, not even those closest to me knew how bad I felt mentally and physically.

Back in February 2013, I ordered a pair of leggings. I had wanted the black cherry blossom design, but the company had discontinued the style, both black and white versions, by the time I saved up for them. The company isn’t the cheapest, but I wanted to treat myself to something nice. I had never worn leggings before, yet figured I would give them a try.

Well, after searching for this particular brand and pattern high and low, I ended up ordering from a shop that sold new with tag, buyer remorse merchandise. I had to settle for the white version because the black version could not be found anywhere. The leggings came in and I immediately tried them on. They mostly fit, albeit a little tight. At that time, I was only up about 20 pounds. I looked in the mirror and ultimately had the thought many people do. I can’t pull them off, I’m too big, etc, etc.  Due to my normal dark wardrobe, I didn’t have a top to go with it, so that pretty much ended my journey with leggings.

I put them in a drawer and left them. They moved with the rest of my clothes 1,600 miles away a few months later, but they still sat and sat. I’d occasionally look at them and think, one day, maybe, I’ll get the courage to try leggings again.

In the summer of 2014, I got the courage and put them on again. They were tighter than before. I put them back. Shortly after, I got winded walking up a hill. In the fall of 2014, things were bad. Although we have a scale, I never used it. A doctor’s appointment weigh-in made me feel really low. Mentally and physically, I knew I had to make some changes and I did.

For eight months, I worked hard, adjusted my diet, and started working out. For my fitness and nutrition course, since we worked out every day, I ended up buying workout leggings just for class. I’d still wear jeans & t-shirts for everything else.

What I learned in class wasn’t just bioenergetics and biomechanics, but how comfortable leggings actually could be.  Now I know why they came back in style. They had been popular in the 80s, but the neon colors of the time were garish and scary at times. I was still young and didn’t go that route, but what were we thinking?

I lost 33 pounds over the last eight months. It was pretty much all that I had gained over the last few years. When that happens, your wardrobe tends to not fit anymore.  Well, I couldn’t very well have my jeans falling off me nor could I pull a Harry Potter and scrunch them with a rope, or belt. That wouldn’t be very comfortable, would it? I supposed it was time to get some things that fit.

I hate shopping. For this female, it is akin to torture. I would usually just hit the Goodwill or thrift store and grab a few things that I figured would fit. This time though, I didn’t know what would fit. That meant trying things on. The horror! Before actually getting clothes though, I had to get a bathing suit for an end of course celebration. Last bathing suit I bought was ten years ago at Al Udeid during our return layover from Iraq.  The problem was, I had no clue where to get a bathing suit. See, if that is any indication as to how much I don’t sop for clothes…

Anyways, I hit the local mall *shudder*. The first store, a popular department chain, didn’t have anything and smelled like dog urine. On our way to the next department chain, my fellow Curmudgeon (C) spotted geeky bathing suits in the window of Hot Topic. He knows me well. I found one there and they were having a sale. I’m a pro at sales and discounts. I looked through their clearance rack of pants and found some I liked. I tried them on and realized that they were “skinny” jeans. Ugh, I’m a boot cut type of gal.

I looked in the mirror anyways, and thought, “Wow, I can pull these off. What?!” Needing a second opinion, I opened the door and asked C if I was too old to be wearing geeky, fandom, Hot Topic clothing. He said, “I’m holding Superman tank tops for myself.” Fair enough. As I was changing back into my regular clothes, I thought to myself, “What would my grandmother say if she were here right now?” She would say, “Who cares if your not exactly their demographic. You like it, you wear it.” Bless that woman. She was feisty and said what was on her mind.  So, a trip for a bathing suit ended up including a couple of pairs of skinny jeans, some tank tops, and a couple of Doctor Who dresses. Things I would definitely not normally wear, not had worn in 15-20 years., not even when temps were 100+ out.

I hadn’t given much thought to the Cherry Blossom Leggings, yet. Granted, last week, I ordered a couple of pairs of leggings from Hot Topic. This Saturday was different. I had a new tank top that I wanted to wear, but it was a bit warm for jeans. I thought about the Cherry Blossom Leggings. “Third times the charm.” It was. The leggings that have sat in my drawer for over two years were perfect. They were amazingly comfortable and I even realized that I could actually get a size smaller if I ordered from this particular company in the future.

I may not be genetically pre-disposed to work myself into six pack abs, but dammit, I can pull off some leggings now!

TL:DR - This long drawn out story isn’t to say that my size aren’t the only ones that can rock some leggings. The point is to say that even the quietly confident, most self-aware people, or those who will say things to build other people’s confidence, sometimes have periods of self-doubt and inner turmoil. Occasionally, it shows in mild, self-deprecating humor. Most times we just work through the battle on our own.  We aren’t the ones who loudly proclaim how great they are and constantly need the spotlight on us. We are the ones who take compliments with a quiet “thank you” and then try to quickly change the subject.

I embrace my geekiness, quirkiness, and fandoms with pride. I may not always match and sometimes my geek/fandom is too much for C, but I don’t care. For a while, I did and I wasn’t comfortable. No matter your size, scars, age, gender, or whatever, I just want to say, rock your style and do it with pride.

Rockin' my Cherry Blossom Leggings for the first time.
My friend's face is blurred for her privacy. I love her, but I don't think
she wants her face plastered all over my blog.